Diminutive

I already wrote about the ideal of grace orientation [See "Blooming Theology"]; but there's an uncomfortable side to adopting this attitude that I want to touch on.

You see, we can dig the idea of showing grace and loving people even when they're rude or ugly or smelly; but we usually don't want to be loved on those terms. There's a deep humiliation that comes with learning that you are loved and accepted, not because people find you lovely and acceptable, but because they have decided to push through all the unattractive things and love you anyway. Even if we can accept this kind of love from God and bestow this kind of love on others, accepting it from other humans is difficult. I think it an understandable discomfort, too.

When God loves me in spite of me, it's because He's so freaking high above my petty sin and stupid choices that He must either find a way to reconcile the gap (hence Jesus) or do away with me altogether. There's a heavy note of  "high-and-mighty" to this kind of love; but I'm okay with God thinking He's bigger and better than me.

When other people love in spite of me, it feels as though they are playing "the bigger man", as if they are forgiving me for the grand evil of being me - and that feels humiliating. For broken people to get on a high horse about my brokenness hits me the wrong way.

It's not really a high horse, though, is it? If  I accept that we're all broken, and if I accept that my flaws are unlovely to God and annoying to people and if I remember that I've shown people "unmerited love" as many times as I've gotten over myself for long enough to swing it, then I really have no reason to begrudge people their exercises in grace.

When I act with grace, do I really feel high-and-mighty about it? If not, why should I assume that others do?

What it boils down to is this: Grace is an offense to pride. To accept undeserved kindness is to acknowledge that it's undeserved - that I am NOT worthy, NOT awesome enough to earn it.


...and my ego seethes.

-isaac