Red Dust

Ian, the director of our missionary group, was the first to mention Ugandan names.  As a fellow "mzungu", he suspected I might be interested in that particular tradition. Being christened by locals was a way of being initiated as an honorary Ugandan. Ian had received his "pet name" within a few months of moving to the country.

Since that conversation with my white friend, I had quietly and secretly hoped that I could be granted such a blessing. I wanted a the country I so loved to claim me as its own.

I was in Masindi, taking a day of rest with my field director, an intelligent, witty man named Prosper, and one of my co-volunteers, a local teen named Shadic. In the preceding months, both of these men had become as dear brothers to me; and I was enjoying the chance to simply spend time with them apart from our work.

I cannot remember how the topic came up; I just remember the excitement I felt when Propser turned to me and asked, "Isaac, do you have a Ugandan name?"

I told Prosper, with a non-chalance as feigned as could be, that I did not.

From there, he and Shadic set to the task of conjuring a name for me. Prosper suggested Ugandan words for "faith" and other spiritually inspired names. Shadic disagreed, suggesting instead some local names; but Prosper shot those down. Finally, Shadic said, "What is an animal you have seen in Uganda that you admired?"

Now, I knew that, by "admired", Shadic meant "found beautiful" or "really liked". Folks who know me well can attest to the fact that, when someone mis-speaks it is my sense of humor to answer what was said, rather than what was meant. I thought about an animal that I actually admired - one that I had seen as holding qualities I seek to emulate. I was surprised to find that such an animal came to mind.

I shared this story with Shadic and Prosper:

I was riding with a missionary couple called Dixon along a dusty road in Uganda's Kamuli district. Coming around a corner, the pickup truck we rode in came grill-to-face with a large Ankole bull. (Read: African cow with twisted horns.) The bull was standing at profile across the road, as though daring us to cross him.

As I viewed the scene, I drew mental parallels between the animal's stance and stereotypical masculine arrogance - pointlessly challenging a foe twice his size.

Mr. Dixon carefully maneuvered the pickup through a ribbon of road at the Ankole's hind end. As the rear window passed around him, the bull's back legs jumped. The pickup sped around him. Mrs. Dixon laughed and said, "Oh, we must have scared him, jumping like that."

"No," her husband replied nervously, "he was getting ready to kick us."

I turned around in my seat to see what foolish kind of beast would wage war with a pickup truck. What met my eyes astonished me.

I saw the bull - an impressive form still standing defiantly. Standing alongside the bull, having cowered behind his strength at the approach of our vehicle, was a calf. What I had seen, at first, as reckless, proud, foolish, fight-mongering was, in fact, true bravery. The statement of his challenge was not "This road is mine." it was "The only way to the kid is over my dead body." As I turned forward in my seat, I found myself thinking something I never would have expected myself to think about a premature steak: "I wanna be like him."

Prosper and Shadic found my thoughts amusing and somewhat strange. Perhaps they are right to. All the same, they finally agreed on something. Taking two names from the Ugandan "Ankole Clan", they christened me.

I cannot tell you how blessed I was to find myself in that fabled position, "One of Us", especially when "Us" is such a wonderful crew.

And that is my story.

-Ssazi Kangave Isaac

Heartness: A Short Story

(Originally posted as a Facebook note.)

What if I stepped in, right now?

He has her by the hair, leading her out from their apartment onto the balcony that runs across the front of our complex. Tears and sweat fall from her face, leaving a trail parallel to that left by her bleeding nose. The guy, presumably her boyfriend, is tall and broad, built like a brick wall. His face has the scarring - and his nose, the reshaping - that makes me pause. He's been in his share of fights. I haven't been in any. He could crush me like a spent beer can without blinking.

What if I stepped in anyway?

I could tell him to leave her alone; but he'd probably look at me incredulously (What is this, fifth grade? - "You leave her alone, or I'll tell the teacher!") and tell me to mind my own business. What if I was brave enough? I could assure him that this WAS my business.

He's blackening her eyes, yelling about another man and broken vows. She's shrieking that she's sorry. The neighbors aren't even looking out their windows. Such arguments are common here. Besides, who wants to cross the hulk man?

What if I stepped in, right now?

What if he could be reasoned with?

I could tell him about how "courage" comes from the word "cor", meaning "heart". Courage is "heartness". Fearlessness and strength aren't enough. Your heart must be involved. I could even challenge him - "I have more courage than you, right now. You're being heartless." What if that angers him? What if he wants to fight? I would lose that fight. I would lose terribly. What if, just as I'm about to turn away, she catches my eye?

He's punching her in the stomach. She's crying about a baby. An elderly man is threatening to call the police if they don't quiet down; the hulk threatens to gut the octogenarian like a fish if he doesn't go back inside.

Her eyes might be brown - dark, almost black. Her tears could make them like inky pools, deep with pain and fear. She might silently plead with me, "Be courageous. Of all the moments in your life to have heart, let it be now. I need you. Please. Please, help me."

What if I can't refuse?

What if he has a knife?

What if I could be courageous?

I might remove my jacket, my tie, my dress shirt. As I do, I could inform the hulk that "I'm going to show you how a real man loses a fight."

In a flurry of impotent kicks and punches, I could learn a bit about brass knuckles, a bit about knife wounds and a bit about blood loss. I wonder what this tank of a man would learn. Would he learn about true masculinity during the easiest fight of his life? Would he see the monster he has become as my weak strikes come up against his crushing blows? Would it help at all?

As the girl runs for help, as I lay on the floor, losing consciousness, I could learn a lot about being a hero.

The hulk is gone.

The girl is laying in a pool of her own blood, unmoving. Sirens wail in the distance.

Heartness, indeed.

What if I had stepped in, just then?

-isaac

Mischief. Mayhem. Et Cetera.

This blog is mostly addressed to men. This is not because of any view I have on gender roles, but because I feel uncomfortable trying to define what I believe to be the "essence" of the female heart. You see, I have spent far too little time being a girl to take on such a task. So, while I don't think there's any reason a girl shouldn't read this, it is not specifically written to "the ladies".

 I ate half of a jalapeno once. I sweated and gargled milk for two hours afterwards. My sister and her fiance were pretty amused by that - almost as amused as I had been, only a little while earlier, watching Marines and college frat members and sexy girls chew on ghost peppers in YouTube videos. For some reason, watching them suffer had inspired me to add, "Eat a ghost pepper" to my bucket list. Because I've never been very good with spicy things, I decided to start with a jalapeno and work my way up.

One trip to the supermarket and a gallon of milk later, I scribbled the entry from my list. Some goals are simply not worth suffering for.

Since whenever it was that people began deciding who was or wasn't "The Man", strength has been the prime factor in measuring masculinity. Whoever killed the mammoth was "The Man"; and it was his stick figure that folks etched onto the cave wall. Whoever's kung fu was the most potent got bragging rights; and his family was respected. The one with the most notches carved into his gun was "The Man"; and no one asked about the fact that he rarely spoke.

Now I'm going to say something that might surprise you:

I think there's some validity to that standard.

When I consider the most admirable men I can think of, "strength" always  finds its way into that list of things which make them admirable. This is true in my personal list of "My Favourite Guys"; it also seems to be true of the men Christendom supports. In the Bible, we read of people like Samson and David (not to mention his mighty men). We look up to Paul, who,  after being stoned to death, stood up and walked back into the city from which he had just been driven. Christ's torture and death speak volumes to the strength He carried.  In church history, there are people like Saint Lawrence, who called from the gridiron upon which he was being burned to death, "Turn me over! This side's done!".

However, we've all seen gyms full of meatheads who aren't, by anyone's standard, real men. Just as we are not body only, strength is not bodily only. So, there is an internal strength that we must account for. 

By "internal strength", I do not mean simply the presence of good characteristics, but the potency, longevity and durability these characteristics have. After all, that's what strength is, isn't it? It's the ability to affect things around you, to last in whatever circumstance, and to "take a beating" (or go without things that others might depend on).

Martin Luther King, Junior was forgiving and peaceable. So are countless cowards. The thing that set him apart was the depth of his forgiveness and peaceability, as well as his knack for inspiring both in others.

Billy Graham has character; but so do many men. It is that his character has lasted under the limelight for so long that has earned him, an evangelist, the respect of an unbelieving world.

William Lane Craig is intelligent; but it's his ability to stand up under debate which would - and has - crushed other thinkers that has people regarding him as the foremost Christian apologist of our time.

There's more to this, though; strength isn't immune to weakness. It doesn't simply "push through" it, either. Strength allows for vulnerability, and works through the process of overcoming a man's failings. The man who walks on hot coals has accomplished nothing if the nerves in his feet are defective. It is the pain of burning flesh that both demonstrates his strength and enables him to grow through the experience. It seems likely that someone with  incredibly sensitive feet would accomplish even more.

So, the emotionally strong man is not he whose heart is numb, but he who (whether by nature or by choice) feels everything and endures the heart's sky-straining highs and abysmal lows. Likewise, the intellectually strong man is not necessarily well-versed in every regard; rather, he studies diligently and acknowledges whatever ignorance he has.

If I am right about all this, strength is not, then, an absolute truth about a physical state. It is, instead, an inside-out condition of the whole human being - body, soul, and spirit, all. If that is true, then no circumstance can keep a person from becoming or remaining strong. If you lose your every physical capacity, there is still a mind, a heart, and a spirit for you to exercise. A man with neither arms nor legs can easily put world-class atheletes to shame if only he refuses to let his handicap rule him.

I believe the Christian man should seek strength of every sort; and he should know, starting out, that he will not attain it all. He should also remember that whatever he does accomplish is by the grace of The Manliest of Them All. What's more, these truths should, far from causing him to question the point of such an endeavour, grant him encouragement. After all, an infinite plane of growth means that he need never cease becoming stronger; and, if the Paragon of Manliness is his benefactor, he has every bit of masculine guidance he could ask for.

-isaac

Heartwarming and Impractical Hippie Sentiments

 My friend/pastor Sam asked me to write an article for our outreach ministry's newsletter. I got a bit carried away and , while he liked the content of what I wrote, he feared it would be longer than a newsletter could allow. I'm working on an abridged version of this letter for that purpose. In the meantime, Sam asked me to put the full version somewhere for others to read. So, here goes.
My friends:

I am passionate about many things - some of them might surprise you. Soccer, for instance. I love playing soccer. I hardly look the sort; my physique alone speaks volumes to my lack of practice in recent years. Still, the game holds a special place in my heart.

I am passionate about writing and human  communication in general.  I love to read, to ponder and study etymology , to learn about even body language and how much we say without speaking.
 
I am passionate about music, art and theatre. 

I am passionate about Uganda: though it's been more than a year and a half since I returned from a six-month mission to that country, not a day has passed in which I have failed to talk, think or pray about that place. 

I am passionate about outreach and volunteerism. 

I am passionate about minimalism, discovering true masculinity and integrity. 

I am deeply passionate about the people in my life.  The list of folks I would fight and die for is longer than I ever thought it would be. 

I am passionate about changing the world. My supreme passions are God and His Word.

Few people know  about most of these "passions "- that so many things are important to me in a way that effects me daily. Why is that? Why do even people who are close to me see so little of what I love to do and who I want to be? Because, for some reason, I don't involve myself in most of it.

There is one passion that I'd like to share with you. Honestly, I think it is this passion, which I had once, lost and am trying to regain, that will help me change how I behave regarding my other obsessions: I am passionate about impassioned living. 

This began with my dad, the same year I accepted Christ.

In 2000, my dad took a job teaching at a small Christian school in Woodland, Wa. It just so happened that I was the right age to be in his class. Thus began 180 days of steady indoctrination on a number of heartwarming and impractical hippie sentiments.

Imagine, if you will, the classroom where "Little House on  the Prairie" meets "Dead Poets Society". I learned things like,"History is messy", "Math is not about numbers" and how to say "Happy birthday" in an unreasonable number of languages. I learned about walking by faith. I learned that the best way to choose a job is by assuming money is no object and that the best way to ace a job interview is to ask the interviewer why you should work for him. My dad made street preaching sound glamorous and money sound unnecessary. My parents met in YWAM; so all these heartwarming and impractical hippie sentiments were backed with a litany of personal experiences in faraway settings.

The year I met Jesus, the world I lived in was full of more possibility and magic than anything Disney's best minds have conjured thus far.

With zeal like napalm, I blazed a haphazard path into the teenage-pastor scene. I wore a blazer, white shirt and tie to school most days in the following few years. I practiced my swordplay with a NKJV Scoffield study Bible. I made a wonderful mess of things, feverishly trying to incite revival among the Vancouver Christian High freshmen. Then, at Cornerstone in Kelso, I made a quick, though not always good, impression. At church, I took on as much responsibility as I could and made it clear to everyone: I was out to change the world.

The wildfire lasted a whole two years. When I was sixteen, a series of heart-rending events tamed me. The deaths of my mother and grandfather, followed shortly by the ending of a relationship with a girl I'd gone nuts about, quickly sucked the magic out of my world.

I hate the word "disillusioned". I hate it because the very pieces of the word make the assumption that, when everything is wonderful, when the world seems bright and the winds seem to be in your favour, you are under an illusion. You're being duped. 

"Disillusioned" makes the cruel and pompous claim that, when your dreams are dashed and your heart is halved, the illusion is gone and whatever grimy, weeping pieces remain are the reality.

Baloney.

I wasn't disillusioned: When my world went dark, my vision became more, not less, clouded.

Though my faith in God wasn't shaken, I developed a habit that I've come to call "floating". Life had shown me that I couldn't expect much from it; so I stopped expecting things from life. I just leaned back and let all the chaos move past me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that every moment between the ages of seventeen and now was completely void of any passion whatsoever. I had moments, and even seasons, of intense zeal. God is faithful to work in broken hearts. The worst of my heartaches were even washed away in a single Sunday a few years back.

But passion ceased to be a lifestyle for me.

That brings us to the present.

In some ways, "floating" has served me well. I am still able to roll with most punches, allowing the storms of life to move around me. I don't strive against things I cannot control; and I don't have the sense of entitlement that has become a stereotype of my generation.

Unfortunately, "floating" is passive by nature; so I have not really accomplished as much as I ought to have in the past few years. Instead of living, I have allowed life to happen around me. I have pondered and adjusted to change instead of affecting change in a world which so badly needs to be impacted.

If life is an archery range, then wisdom is aim. Passion is the tension on the bowstring. The target is your calling. When I started, my aim was terrible; but I was shooting far. It's not hard to see how this is dangerous. Since then, I have gotten better aim; but the arrows  I loose rarely go anywhere. This seems innocuous; but when life stops being an archery range and starts being a battlefield, being innocuous is as deadly as anything else.

If I'm really honest, I'll admit that two things have kept me from moving forward.

One is fear. I am often afraid of failing or feeling like an idiot. I mean, why write a book if it's unlikely anyone will want to publish it? Why play soccer? No one wants to watch a fat man play soccer!

The other is laziness. Going to watch a play would be fun and more enriching; but a "Burn Notice" marathon is cheaper and requires less dressing up. Just considering a long stretch in Uganda sets my heart ablaze; but that means saving a bunch of money, which means working more and hunting to find better-paying work.

On the other hand, in the moments when I take action, when I feel short rushes of the passion that once pervaded my life, I like what happens. I like who I am when I am on fire. I like how whether I fail or look stupid stops mattering because my life is not about me at all. So how I appear is a moot point. I like how difficult or uncomfortable things become nearly enjoyable because I can almost feel the growth and maturity those things affect in me.

My dad serves a God who's into heartwarming and impractical hippie sentiments. "Go do things humans don't do. Heal the sick. Survive poisonous snake bites. Give serious thought to selling everything you have and serving the poor. Sign up for a mission you have no money for; don't be too surprised if someone pays for you at the last minute. If a man breaks into your house in the middle of the night, offer him coffee. Love everybody; but don't fear any of them. Live as though money is no object; I can clothe you and feed you. Be about My business because it's the most important thing you can do with a life."

So, the real question is: is this also the God I serve?

If so, it seems He has built me for soccer, for language, for music and art and theatre.  It seems He has built me for Uganda, for reaching out to people and volunteering my time, my money, my heart and prayers. Unless I have misunderstood something, He has put all these passions in me to burn, like sacrifices, before Him and unto His glory. He has designed me for the good works He prepared ahead of time.

If the God of Abraham and Jacob is also the God of Isaac, then I was not built to only ride the waves, but to make waves of my own! I am meant to do world-changing things, not in moments or seasons, but on a daily basis!

Rediscovering the white-hot zeal that once consumed me is about more than replacing lost passion. It's about repairing the physical, emotional and spiritual damage done by passive living. I do not want to lose my ability to accept the world as it is, to expect nothing from life except what God has promised. I like that I am resilient and flexible. However, I need to lose the insecurities and laziness. I need the Spirit of God to set me aflame. I need to make a lot of changes to myself so that I can better serve the world at large.

It seems that I have a long way to go; but God seems to have started something already.

-isaac

Real People

...then there was the time Britney Spears and I had a deep heart-to-heart in a desert somewhere in the Middle East.

She was preparing for some big show that was, apparently, to take place in the middle of said desert. A stage had been built for the performance; it had been constructed completely out of sand and modeled after a Greek temple. Across the top of the structure, a sculpture of the singer's head resting on her arms made clear who, exactly, was being worshiped in this gathering.

As we talked, Miss Spears told me that she knew it ought to bother her that she was building temples for herself in the desert. She knew that something was wrong with the whole thing - most especially the fact that none of it bothered her at all. Really, she told me, she felt lost, apathetic and dry. 

Spiritually and emotionally, she was parched.

Near us was a fountain. Though it, too, was made completely of sand, water flowed out of it into a pool. A tiny turtle sat at the water's edge. I wanted to steer the conversation away from the desparing tones it had carried thus far and toward possible solutions. So I invited her to drink from the fountain. Perhaps quenching a physical thirst in the desert would make it easier for her to see how God offers "Water" for our souls and hearts in even the driest seasons.

Britney declined, apparently afraid that the middle-eastern water was not safe for drinking.

Some thought in the back of my head, presumably from the time I spent in Africa, told me there was nothing to worry about in the desert water. So I bent down to drink some. Behind me, my friend Steven quite magically appeared and made it clear that he wanted a drink of the "unsafe" water, too.

Suddenly, and equally as magically, we were in Portland, Oregon, at a small venue where Britney's concert was well underway. 

Only a hundred people or so were there; and among them were members of the youth group from the church I attend. These youth were hoping to show solidarity and support of Miss Spears as a person by attending her show. Somehow they knew her from a time before fame had gotten the better of her.

Despite their love for the artist, it was clear that they felt unsupportive of -and even awkward and uncomfortable about- many of the goings-on at her concert.

The end result was thus: A larger group occupied the space directly in front of the stage, thrashing and grinding and dancing and soaking in the laser lights and thumping beats. A smaller group of "Christian kids" stood off to the side of the stage looking very unhappy and creating a tension that soured the mood of the whole event.

Steven approached me, complaining that he was bored. I figured that my presence wasn't accomplishing anything either; so we left. 

We ended up at some dive, eating questionably-prepared ethnic food washed down with some generic brand of soda in a styrofoam cup. After we'd eaten, talked and loitered for some time, I suggested that we return to the concert. Steven was unwilling, citing again the awkward boredom. I insisted that we'd outstayed our welcome in the diner; and, standing up to leave, I pulled my jacket off the back of my chair. For some reason, that act caused me to wake up.

What struck me about this dream was not that the storyline was weird; every dream that I've ever remembered upon waking has been bizarre. Truthfully, I enjoy the some of the strange ways my thoughts arrange themselves into a narrative. What struck me was that I was dreaming about Britney Spears at all. I had never dreamt about a celebrity before, nor have I since.
 
Celebrities are not something I give much, if any, thought to; so it's perplexing to me that one of them could so imprint herself on my mind that she should make a very personal appearance in my sleep. 

I don't care who's breaking up or getting married or cheating on their fiance. I don't care about who's having a mental breakdown in Tinseltown. (In fact, I care more about the fact that that sentence rhymed than who shaved their head this week.) I don't care if this soap opera has been cancelled or if that TV show is celebrating its twentieth season. I don't care; and more importantly, I'm annoyed that so many other people seem to care so much.

With that annoyance, I find myself forced to admit to a certain amount of judgment. I hold childishness against the celebrities who can't seem to pull themselves together, even as I preach the unconditional grace and love and faithfulness of a God who's never held my ugly nonsense against me. I mock mindless fans who worship idols of the American flavor, even as I worship idols of what I like to pretend is a more sophisticated line. (For instance: When I admire a cruel man because he is clever and ridicule a loving person because they lack learning, isn't there something wrong with me? Am I not placing intellect over Love? Is that not "idolatry" in its own right?)

Here's the thing: There are two ways of dehumanising a person. 

You notice how the antics of an actor become legend, much as the amorous shenanigans of Zeus are still discussed today? 

When a friend says something important and wise, we just tell him he's "so smart!". A verbal pat on the head is as far as we usually go. If, however, Morgan Freeman lends (or is even alleged to have lent!) his soothing tones to a cause, we plaster his thoughts across the internet with reckless abandon. Here, we dehumanise celebrities by making them "superhuman". Pedestals like that are tall, skinny and structurally unsound.

I, on the other hand, err in the opposite direction. I often treat the famous as subhuman, desiring only  that their messy lives would stop inconveniencing mine. I have wished that their sorrows and joys would stay out of my conversations. 

When one of them dies, I am not saddened, but impatient, because I know what's coming: for the next few weeks, they will be discussed with a reverence they never earned in life. Their books or movies or CDs will go on sale; and there will be the mainstream folks who will pretend to have always loved them and the hipsters who will pretend to have never liked them at all. 

In the meantime, I won't be able to speak to a person without the recently departed writer/actor/singer coming up. I'll have to hear about every sad thing and ever inspirational moment in that person's history. I'll have to listen to people who'd never given a second thought to the person before bemoan the empty spot that person will leave in the entertainment world. And I just don't care. Basically, I put myself on the tall, skinny pedestal.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever learn.

I remember the day Michael Jackson died. Well, that's not really true. What I remember distinctly - what will stick in my head until my own dying day - is the morning after Michael Jackson's death.

I arrived at work for an early shift pulling carts for the world's largest retailer. Donning a yellow vest and hanging a rope across the back of my neck, I approached my supervisor to "check in". My boss and I got along pretty well; and we'd talked enough - and I'd taken time off for missions often enough - for her to know about my faith. 

The first thing she asked me was, "Did you hear about Michael Jackson?" When I nodded she, looking somewhat concerned, asked, "Did you love MJ?"

She said it like that, too: "Emjay."

Honestly, I'd never been a fan of his music; and, while I like the effect he had on modern dance in general, I was never impressed with his videos. Like so many others, I was somewhat disquieted by his lifestyle and the mental instability evident in the desperate attempts he made to erase his heritage from his appearance. Then there was my ugly distaste for celebrities. I answered truthfully, "Not really."

"You gotta' feel bad for the guy, though. 'Cuz he's facing Judgment right now." She pointed upward to make sure I knew the "Judgment" we were discussing was, indeed, spelled with a capital "J".

She wandered off to attend to some other work while I stood there, dumbfounded, for a moment. Intentionally or not, my supervisor had "called me out" in a huge way. I'd been blindsided with my own self-absorption. This wasn't about how I felt about his music; this was about a real person who was face-to-face with Someone bigger than either of us. This was about an artist that Someone had created to make music and dance. This was about a haunted man that Someone loved.

I felt like scum. It's funny (Or, really, not funny at all) how often the best lessons I learn make me feel that way at the start.

I needed yet another healthy dose of Getoveryourself to make clear to even my high-horse-riding eyes that all these people I've treated as ridiculous inconveniences to my life had lives and, more importantly, VALUE of their own. 

God loved MJ, even if I never got around to it.

God loves Johnny Depp and  Bradgelina and Bennifer and The Donald. He loves people who name their kids "Apple" or "Pilot Inspektor" and jump on couches and buy military Humvees. He keeps up on the Kardashians and watches over Dog as he bounty-hunts. He wants to help people who lose their way, even if it's the sort of lost that lands them with cement handprints.

In the desert, Britney Spears appeared to my sleeping mind as a real girl with real thoughts and worries. She had conflicting feelings and desires. She was thirsty, but unsure about how safe it was to drink. My subconscious mind hoped that she would find answers and even wanted to offer her help. Yet, I cannot be bothered to care once my head leaves the pillow?

I like to imagine that, one day, we'll all pull our heads out of our posterior orifices and realise that all the most famous people in the world are just that: people.

We'll start treating them like all the other people we never meet. If something tragic happens, we'll pray for them and show the concern and love that we should show everyone in hard times. If something awesome happens, we'll be glad to hear of it and then move on with our lives. No more daily checkups on Charlie Sheen's "winning" blunders. No more pages dedicated to rating the summer's best and worst beach bodies.

That day feels pretty far away; so maybe I should just start. Maybe I should love the shiny folk in magazines the same way I have learned to love grimy folk on Skid Row. Maybe I should rehumanise Hollywood and move from there.

Evangelists: A Reader's Request (Pt. 6 et fin)

Nutria are not, by any means, as filling or palatable as humans. They have a grainy meat typical to rodents, with a fir that sticks between teeth and catches in a zombie's throat.

Not that he cared.

The man was hungry, always hungry. After the stampede along Old Highway 99, he was ravenous. A constant fever, nigh intolerable pain and sudden switches between activity and rest gave the monster a ridiculously high rate of metabolism. Food was fuel; and he was a train engine. Around him, 30 ghouls were feeding and fighting. Above, the sky was uncharacteristically warm.

A dog, frustrated by the sight of food in others' possession, made the almost imponderably tragic mistake of barking.

Day 590
C.S. Lewis once said that the reason we read of music in heaven is not because we'll be singing for all eternity, but because music most strongly speaks to we mortals of the ecstasy and infinity we'll see there. I do not know how accurate his theology is; but I can agree with Jack's latter point - there is, in music, some sort of timeless otherness which calls us up to something.

In this particular instance, the vaguely Spanish melody being plucked and its subsequent strumming, drums drumming and bass thrumming called me further away from the despond I had entertained in the recent months and into a humble sort of fearlessness, the "muchness" Manuel and Liz had fought for me to regain.

We were atop the cement behemoth that had been known, Back When, as Vallenmarkt. The dutch retailer had been enjoying great success amid a world in turmoil when the infection hit. Most businesses had spent the preceding years competing at various levels of "staying afloat" while this one watched its stocks reach record highs.

While Vallenmarkt took its turn in the lap of luxury, the world as a whole was fighting to survive; and everywhere was a quiet assumption that an apocalypse was overdue. Some people said it would be an economic fallout; others feared the wars around the world would escalate to radioactive levels; I spent a lot of time wondering if this was Jesus' way of readying humanity for His return. How strange that it was the most fanciful, ridiculous theories that had ultimately proven correct.

"There's a propane tank in the bed of that pickup;" Liz pointed to a small Chevy not far from the front of the store, "I'm sure I could hit it from here."

I gave her a look of disapproval; she rolled her eyes.

"You're kidding." she sighed.

Behind us, a large, black man named Jeff commented, "This is like going to a barbecue with a vegan."

It took me a moment to laugh. Jeff's deep voice made everything sound profound; so I often had to remind myself to take some things at face value.

In Liz's thin hands, the .50-caliber Smith and Wesson revolver seemed an anti-aircraft weapon. The manly gun was all that remained of Brett after a bloody death that had played out in a manner typical of his last living year: with much conflict and unnecessary violence.  Seeing as I'd put my days of zombie-slaying behind me, I gave my "trophy" to Liz, who had no problem with violent self-defense.

The girl had hoped to thin out the horde before us with some fireworks; but I was reluctant to resort to that. Instead, I handed her a few items I'd pulled together, gave some quick instructions and slid down a rope to meet the adventure ahead.

Above me, an air horn went off.

It was the sort of horn built for sporting events, not nearly as loud as those used by mariners. The label had indicated that I could expect about 3 minutes of continuous sound. With the help of some duct tape and an archer, this meant three minutes of intense distraction on the far side of the parking lot. Unfortunately, not all seven thousand zombies would fail to notice fresh meat sliding down a rope on the front of the store; hence the baseball bat.

By the time I reached the sidewalk that ran along the front of the store, a sizable herd had gathered around. I paused for a quick prayer before dropping from the rope.

A song by the band "Cake" came on as my bat struck the jaw of a nearby zombie. A random piece of information I'd picked up Back When told me that a certain nerve behind the mandible could be pinched by such a blow, knocking my attacker out cold. Whether it worked or not wasn't clear to me; the zombie went down and I moved on.

I spun, crouched and swung my bat low, tripping three of the attackers in front of me. I walked across their fallen forms, ignoring the zombies to my right and left. Addressing every undead person between the sidewalk and the exit across the lot would mean a daylong battle. It was best to focus on moving forward. Behind me, I heard Liz and Jeff land. The three of us fell into a dead run.

We fought and sprinted our way across the parking lot in about two minutes. At the corner where our parking lot exit met a road, we caught sight of a large horde answering the air horn's call. Jeff knocked the glass out of a window and we entered a structure that had been intended to serve as a strip mall, Back When. It had never been used.  We  were able to find our way to the roof quickly and survey the route to our first destination.

The San Juan Medical Center was a large building by Longview standards. While the risks of entering a hospital during a zompocalypse seemed pretty obvious even Back When (Where do sick people go? A hospital. What are zombies before we realise they're zombies? Sick people.), it occurred to me that we would need transport, first aid, food and a portable container for the needles that held our cure - all things we'd find at a hospital.

In a zompocalypse, one-stop shopping is a survival imperative.

From the top of the might-have-been strip mall, we could see that our "noise-grenade" had caused an unforeseen problem. The streets and byways leading to Vallenmarkt were flooded with zombies almost two blocks back. Getting from our location to the hospital was going to be difficult. Difficult and time-consuming.

"Thoughts?" I asked my two co-adventurers.

"I see only one way through it." Jeff spoke without hesitation, "We'll have to cut across streets and go through yards and houses. The open walkways are no good to us until we get past the horde.".

I thought for a moment about how sometimes, we take the conventional path because we see safety in numbers. Too rarely do we consider the quality of the people in the crowd. Walking down a street full of zombies is about as wise as casting in your lot with ten thousand corrupt men.

At this point I stopped myself and decided Jeff was right. Our best bet was to avoid the clogged roads and move from house to house instead.

We spent most of the day quietly moving from yard to yard, hopping fences and quietly slicing (or clubbing) the zombies we encountered. I found myself cringing every time Liz or Jeff dispatched another assailant; but I tried to keep my discomfort to myself.  To stand a chance at saving humanity, we had to be a little inhuman.

It was late in the evening when we finally arrived at the hospital. Police cars and road blocks still littered the drive-up at the main entrance. We climbed over the mess of cars, blocks and decayed bodies, passed the shattered glass sliding doors and found an empty room.

After we locked and barricaded the entrance, sleep came easily.

The Noise! Oh, the Noise! Like a shriek and a roar at the same time! He was instantly thrust into a frenzy as the Noise - such Noise!- filled the air from somewhere close. 

He joined the faster monsters in a rampage to attack, to kill and silence the Noise. They clambered and climbed, stumbled and sprinted over fences, over cars, over each other. They found a large open area and tall walls. He raced across the lot, to the largest horde he'd ever seen. He fought his way to the center, where the Noise was coming from. He couldn't hear the grunts and screams around him; the Noise was too loud. The Noise was all-consuming, like a fierce blaze burning his ears and his thoughts and making his head swell and thud. 

KilltheNoisekilltheNoisekilltheNoisekillthenoisekillthenoisekillthenoisekillth-

Suddenly, it went quiet. 

As quickly as the Noise and frenzy had started, both ceased. His aching ebbed to its normal levels and his attention was diverted to the almost-alive dance of a leaf crossing the lot. Hunger replaced curiosity; and he was running again.

Day 591.

The thing about  hospitals is that, once the nurses and doctors leave, the place is creepy as all get-out. Add some decomposing corpses and broken windows and you've got a veritable haunted house of the zompocalypse. Blood was caked on the floor in some areas. Red hand prints smeared some hospital rooms. We even found, in the hallway, a bed with a body covered in a sheet and, pressed through the sheet into the body underneath, an impressively large hunting knife. A sad narrative played out in my head; and I wondered how the owner of the knife would react if he learned of our cure.

 

No one spoke as we made our way up and down each hallway on the first floor.

We encountered a room full of medicines, presumably where the ER's pharmaceuticals were kept. Swiping a backpack from a decomposing battle scene near the cafeteria entrance, we stocked up on everything we thought we could use.

It was Jeff who noted that certain first-aide essentials were absent.

I wondered what sort of essential things I was lacking in life - what internal resources I would miss in an emergency. Smacking myself in the side of the head, I stopped the tangent.

In the cafeteria, we ate a quick meal of untoasted toaster pastries washed down with some canned cola.  Once we'd filled our pack to the brim with what food contained some semblance of nutritional content, we prepared to make our way to the ambulance garage.

Jeff commented on how the more nutritional nonperishables were gone. 

I pondered whether I was investing enough time in good things that would last. Jeff gave me a concerned look as I smacked the side of my head again.

We came around a corner where the hallway opened into the ER's waiting room. Jeff put a hand on my shoulder. Instinctively, I surveyed my surroundings. No movement, moan or munch told of a hungry zombie.

After a moment of fruitless observing, I asked, "What?"

"Something's bothering me, boss." Jeff rumbled.

"Jeff, could you do me a favour?" I asked.

"What?

"Stop sounding so deep."

"Deep?"

"Yeah. I'm spending way too much time finding the hidden truths in everything you say. I'd like to have a normal, shallow human conversation with you."

Jeff was silent for a moment,

"Is having someone around to make you think deep thoughts a bad thing?"

It was my turn to be silent.

"Nevermind, then."

I was about to start walking again when the black giant tightened his grip on my shoulder.

"I never told you what bothered me." He sounded like he was smiling.

So much goes unsaid between friends; it's deeply tragic that even people whose souls are indelibly intertwined can find themselves in a state of mutual ignorance.

"What's bothering you, Jeff?" I sighed at myself.

"The closer we get to this area, the cleaner it is."

Purity is not a constant force. In some areas of a heart, you will find diamonds cut by the hand of God Himself. In the same heart, there can be  mountains of filth. Perhaps you'll be in the part of the heart where a man's guilt is piled sky-high; as you wander to the area where he is a great friend, it gets cleaner and cleaner, until the floor shines. There, you find where God has been given leave to do His work. A pure heart is not one that has avoided this or that particular evil, but one in which God has been allowed a free hand. Purity is not a sign that someone has kept himself from every kind of sin, but that Someone has been around to clean up the messes.

Then it clicked.

I turned to Jeff, "You think someone's living  here?"

Jeff sniffed.

"Was." he  stated quietly. Before I could think on how transient life is on this side of eternity, or whether eternity would have need for  words like "was", he added, "I think someone was living here, until recently."

One squirrel is not enough to share. When you're scrambling over a dog, there's enough for you to chew on without getting in another zombie's way. Even a cat can be broken into two in the course of a skirmish. A squirrel is a different story. A squirrel is a morsel with a fluffy tail. It's a fun-sized snack that is no fun at all to share.

And yet.

And yet this other misanthrope wanted a piece of the delicious action. So they fought. With shrieks and punches and kicks they fought. Grabbing and falling and striking and standing back up to grab and fall and strike some more. They felt powerful and loud and vicious, like beasts at war.

From a distance, they looked like two drunk men.

Being human means that certain things hurt. If they don't hurt, if they fail to catch you in the throat and draw tears, you have let something important drop off from your heart.

I was feeling very human when we found the boy's body in an office behind the reception desk. He could not have been more than sixteen years old, yet the gun in his and and the bite on his arm told us a very adult decision had been thrust upon him. A silence settled between the three of us as we looked over the scene. It was tragic, even more so when I considered the pencil box of hypodermic needles in my pack.

Jeff and I began surveying the room while Liz knelt down next to the boy.

In drawers and on desks we found many of the medicines that had been missing from the closet. In a trash pile in an adjacent room, we found wrappers from the healthier food Jeff had commented about earlier. We also found girls clothing and boots belonging to a man much larger than the boy against the wall.


When we told Liz about our findings, her quiet thought turned to tears. She stroked the boy's hair, pulling some of the clean hair down to cover part of the deadly wound.

"Can you imagine losing everyone a second time?" her voice trembled, "I mean, it was bad enough losing my family and friends once. But, I got you guys and everyone at the store. I got a second chance. This boy.."

She trailed off, as though pondering, like me, how the boy's camo jacket seemed oddly oversize, big in the way a father's shirt looks large on a child who's "getting ready to go to the office, daddy!" When she spoke again, all three of us were near tears, "He lost everyone twice. I don't think I could do it."

The silence that fell among us was thick with thought and feeling, as though our hearts and minds were so full that they were pouring their excess out into the open. When Jeff opened his mouth, his typically heavy words were like boulders falling into a lake.

"We should all be this kind of brave. He made it until he got bit; he kept on fighting until he thought his choices ran out. With the cure, we have no excuse for ever giving up. Not on ourselves, not on each other."

In a flash of unmitigated selfishness, I hoped that Jeff would be around to give my eulogy someday.

Jeff reached down suddenly and grabbed at the boy's chest. With a quick yank, he removed a necklace I hadn't even realised the boy was wearing. Turning to Liz, he tied the string around her neck. Just as quickly as he'd started, Jeff stepped back.

A thin black string held up a round, celtic-style knot made of pewter   At center, intertwined with the design, was a triquetra. It was somewhat reminiscent of a tattoo I'd seen somewhere - the sort of thing you see sold at carnivals and flea markets. In any other circumstance, the necklace would have evoked no sentiments or thought of deeper meaning. For the three of us in that room in that moment, nothing was without meaning.

"I want you to wear that," Jeff rumbled, "and remember what brave is."

Outside, a crow squawked.

Noise! Killethenoise! Alive! Killthealivething!

The meal fought and fluttered a called for its feathered friends, but the man held fast. With a quick squeeze and tear, the insides came outside and the alive thing became the edible thing.


This time, no one expected him to share the kill; and that was good. He was hungry.

For a moment, the man thought he heard voices. Human voices. HUmans are much grander meals than any bird or dog. He stopped munching to listen for the direction of the sound. A few seconds of quiet passed; but nothing happened.

So he enjoyed his bird, down to the last scrap.

I believe that God speaks to us in ten thousand different ways. Whenever understanding come more quickly than normal, I believe He has involved Himself in my thoughts. When coincidence becomes blessing, I believe He has orchestrated events. Because He so great at acting subtly, I believe many of His whispers go unnoticed until we reach the end and look back.

I cannot tell you why the handcuffs hanging from the doorknob of the office we exited caught my eye. I know that, as I pocketed them, I had some vague thought that I might use them to restrain a zombie as we cured him; but I had no concrete reason for hanging onto them.

It wouldn't be until I'd traded myself out for a better model that I would see Providence at work.

The three of us entered the ambulance garage cautiously, glad to find the doors were pulled down and the area clean. Across the doors were painted instructions for an escape. We all tossed our bags into the back of the single ambulance and set ourselves to the tasks written there.

1) Fill gas tank from canisters.
Behind the ambulance, we found four sealed cans of gasoline. We carefully filled the gas tank, making sure to get every possible drop from the containers. It was likely to be along trip: and running out of gas halfway across Kelso sounded like a terrible idea. With care and vigilance, we had our fuel.

2) Move battery from trickle charge to engine.
 It was Jeff who found the battery connected to cables that led outside. Next to it he found a handwritten notebook on the care and tending of a car battery connected to a solar panel. In a few minutes, we had power.

3) Map is in the glove box.
With the press of a button, we had our path.

4) Open the door and make sure alley is clear of debris.

The man was certain there was food behind the metal wall - like noisy, living  food stored in an oversize can, something kept moving and talking. 

 Then, suddenly, the fates smiled on him. The can began to open itself. Rolling back like a sardine tin, the metal wall lifted to reveal three humans!

The man shrieked in ravenous delight.

Time froze as a blood-chilling scream erupted mere feet from me. I looked up and stared into the face of my attacker, the face of my best friend.

He leapt forward to meet the feast. Suddenly, he wasn't there.

My body took over, doing what my mind was not yet ready to handle. As Aaroneous rushed at me, my hands took hold of his head and directed  him around me. My foot came up and gave a quick kick to the back of a knee as my mind still tried to grapple with the best man I know stumbling and writhing around like a common infected.

He sprawled on the ground and scrambled to get back up. Turning again to face his victim, the zombie didn't see the dark shadow forming overhead.

"NO!" I screamed as Jeff lifted a fire axe over his head. He froze, momentarily confused, then deeply annoyed.

"Isaac, you said this would be a Romans 14 thing. You said we could kill them if we had to."

Aaroneous rushed me again. This time, I took the cables from the battery charger and wrapped them around his neck. I spun around and pulled him backward to the rear side of the ambulance. I knew we only had a minute or so before whatever zombies had heard the first shriek would come in search of the source.

"My bag!" I yelled for whoever would listen.

Liz tossed it to me. Sitting on the concrete stage, which was level with the rear door on the vehicle, I pulled the box of needles out with one hand and held Aaroneous down with the other. Already, the tips of the hypodermics were poking through the end of the box. Pulling the plastic latch free, I grabbed a needle.

"Jeff!" I motioned for him to hold the zombie down.

Reaching into my bag again, I stopped short.  I looked at Jeff, whose massive hands were wrapped around Aaroneous' shoulders. Seeing the looked on my face, his eyes widened a bit.

"My gloves." I said, "Jeff, do you know where my gloves are?"

"Why would I know?" my friend was (understandably) exasperated, " You're the freaking vegan!"

Leaning into the ambulance, I emptied my bag on the floor of the vehicle. No pierce-proof gloves.  Sudden gun blasts told me that Liz was fighting off the first of what would likely be a horde. Leaning back onto my butt, I became aware of the handcuffs again. It was instantly clear to me what would need to happen. Jeff seemed to pick up on my thoughts.

"Boss, don't - "

"Jeff, I have to. You'll see soon enough why. Just do me a favour."

Jeff sighed a deep, manly sigh, "What's that, Boss?"

"If I don't make it back, say something nice at my funeral."

I looked Aaroneous' zombie form in the eyes and said, "Listen to me: When you wake up, help these guys with the cure. They needed me; but now they need you. Find Hannah. If you can, come back for me, too."

I quickly handcuffed my left hand to a handle  that stuck out from a cement post near us. Biting down on the needle of the hypodermic, I yanked as hard as I could. The metal grated against my teeth and poked my gums. I groaned as the tip came off at the last second.  Jamming my hand into the zombie's mouth, I pressed the plunger. Aaroneous screamed and fought and bit down as hard as he could.

The pain was blinding as I pulled my hand free and grabbed my empty backpack. I had just finished pulling it down over his head when I forgot who I was.

***

 "Why him, Liz? Why would Isaac leave us like that for him?"

"You don't know who that is?"

"I heard him say, 'Aaroneous'. Who has a name like 'Aaroneous'?"

"I heard Isaac telling Manuel about him once. This guy's a legend."

"Man, that's just how Isaac talks. Everything's a legend."

"No, this was for real. For starters, imagine if Isaac was good at math and science."

"If Isaac was good at math and science, he'd know how to fly, too."

"Exactly."

"What, this guy's like Isaac with superpowers?"

"If knowing just about everything Isaac didn't is a superpower, yes."

"I don't trust him. He's funny-shaped. I want Isaac back."

"If this guy's all Isaac said he was, it'll happen."

Day 616.

Aaron had noticed that Jeff and Liz were wary of him at first, while the doctor was enthusiastic about talking with him. Aaron also noticed that, whenever Isaac came up in conversation, Liz would reach for her necklace - a pewter celtic peace knot. Jeff would become quiet.

In the weeks following the encounter between best friends in Longview, life was an exercise in adaptation - adapting to having lost almost everyone he'd known before, adapting to an entirely different world, adapting to memories of the most disturbing sort. 

The doctor was a good confidant, gentle in his approach but deeply interested in hearing about the retroactive nature of Aaron's memories. He was also brilliant. 

At first, he began explaining the basics of what was going on. The doctor was so engaging that, as quickly as he could be shown the way to the library, Aaron was soaking up all kinds of information about chemistry and the cure. Before long, the two of them were bouncing ideas off of each other at breakfast and writing down plans by lunch. As Liz and Jeff saw the progress being made with the cure, they began to show Aaron more friendliness.

They lived in a house and yard that had been specifically fortified for a zompocalypse. There, they could safely do just about anything that needed doing.

One day, as they talked of how hopeful things were beginning to look, the doctor spoke.

"We are in for a mess." he said, "There is no simple way to mouth-feed an entire world of cannibals a cure. There is no simple way to rebuild entire civilisations from the rubble we've inherited. There is no simple way to keep this disease from coming back. No, there is no simple way to do any of it; but, if we're up for some hardship, there is a way."

The End

-isaac 

Evangelists: A Reader's Request (Pt. 5)

Even after a month of mourning and another month and a half of praying and working through the melancholy, my nights, which had finally evicted their old ghosts, found themselves with new heartaches to dwell on.

I could still see myself fumbling clumsily with the pierce-proof gloves, syringes and pliers while one zombie became five.

I could still see Manuel trying to climb off of a rickety shelf to help me contain my mistake. I could see the pain and injury his attempts had caused him.

I could still hear the wet "crunch" of Joshua's suicide.

How had I let things fall so far out of control?

Day 582.

"I don't understand this. Why do you constantly need to antagonise everybody? Why am I stepping in, pulling you off a different angry victim every day?"

Brett didn't reply, he only leaned back in his chair and smirked. I let the question sit for a few moments.

I wanted to reach across the table between us and smack that smirk off of his face. I wanted to pull him to the ground, pound the arrogance out of him and cut out his defiance with my machete. If he didn't survive the surgery, my job would be that much easier.

This man brought out the worst in me.

"Look." I sighed,"I don't enjoy this. I don't like telling you off every day; I don't like feeling that you and I are on opposite teams. I want everyone here to work together. What will it take to get you on our side?"

More silence. More smirking.

"Three days." I hit my palm against the table and stood to leave.

"Step down."

I sat back down, leaning forward.

"Come again?" I asked

"If you step down, and leave someone aside from Manuel in charge, I'll play nice."

"So this is personal." I stated.

More silence. Another smirk. God's grace kept my machete in its sheath.

"Well, I can tell you this: I'm not stepping down just to satisfy your personal issues. Three days in Joshua's cell will probably accomplish nothing for your attitude; but it will give us all a break from you."

I stood once more and left the table. The small group of observers that had gathered around the public hearing in our cafeteria began to murmur as they dispersed. I heard one man complain, "It should have been a week at least."

Since my return to leadership, I'd made a point of being more active in protecting the people in my group. Outside missions had ceased altogether; our work with the cure had taken a back seat. In that season, I only took the syringes out of my freezer when one of our own had turned and we were able to tie the person down. All other zombies caught the business end of my machete. When it came to Brett, it seemed that the more I tried to dissuade him from bullying others in our small community, the more he felt the need to bully.

Forbidden fruit seems twice as sweet, I suppose.

I spent a few hours weeding and cleaning our rooftop garden. As I prayed about Brett and my attitude toward him, a crisp wind blew across the town, I stood and spread my arms out. Small graces were my whole sustenance in those days.  A soft shower fell later, carrying me through a few more hours before I noticed my mood darkening again.

Manuel wheeled up to me as I descended the ladder back into the store. He was riding a lawn chair we'd rigged up with bicycle wheels. His days of climbing much of anything seemed to be a thing of the past; and I could blame only myself for that. Walking at his side was a smiling Liz. They'd become an official "thing" a few weeks ago; and neither had stopped grinning since.

As I stepped from the bottom rung, I greeted them . Manuel began talking animatedly about an indoor forest idea, putting small trees in pots to filter the air inside. He'd even begun designing a gutter system to collect water from leaks in the roof and and drain it into the pots.

"The birds-to-stone ratio here is great! We can stop emptying those buckets we've got laying everywhere and make watering the trees a non-issue."

I leaned against the ladder, crossing my arms.

"I really like your  idea, Manuel. I just don't know where we'd find the materials for it. I mean, a gutter system that canvases the whole store would be quite a project. Do you think we've enough stuff laying around?"

Manuel shook his head, "No, I'm actually sure we don't; but the Hardware Depot across the lot still has quite a bit of goods left in it. If you sent a team of four or five, they could bring back most of the materials we'd need in two trips, three at most."

I looked down and began shaking my head as he spoke.

"No. No going outside. It's too risky."
 
Lifting my eyes again, I saw Liz rest a reassuring hand on Manuel's shoulder as he gave her a quiet smile that, for all its authenticity, bespoke a deep sadness - perhaps even disappointment. The man fell fifteen feet and landed in a whole new life, one with a myriad of restrictions he'd never had to consider before. Yet it seemed that he mourned for me.

"If you say so, boss." He gave me a respectful nod before wheeling away.

I climbed back up to the roof to soak in some more rain and wind. Small graces.

Day 583.
I took a plate of food to Brett at lunch the next day. I sat in front of his cell and ate with him, as I sometimes had when Joshua lived in it.

A few times during the silent meal, I had to close my eyes against the memory of Joshua's death and shame and pain it pulled up.

After Brett handed his empty plate and cup to me, he spoke.

"You know what the difference between you and me is?" he asked.

I'm not a dirtbag?

"Which one are you thinking of right now, sir?" I replied.

"You care too much."

I am sure that whatever expression I had on my face in that moment was almost telepathic in how openly it betrayed my skepticism.

You mean, I care.

"I know I sound like the heartless bad guy here." he nearly drawled, "Listen to me."

Yes, listen to the heartless bad guy.

As much as I wanted to leave, to dismiss the man once more, I decided to stay and listen. Small graces can facilitate grace.

"When crap hit the fan," he began, "I knew that being sentimental was something I couldn't afford. I needed to stay alive, nothing else. Not listen to people's problems or be their friend. I didn't have time to gain trust or respect; so their fear had to do. You treat me like I'm some kind of threat to people here; but let me to tell you something: Your feel-good nonsense about curing everyone and sending folks out on rescue missions is going to get us all killed.

"So yes, I am a jerk. I don't care about how people feel about me; I speak my mind; and everyone knows I'm not going to play the noble game when it comes to getting out alive. At least I'm not like you. I don't have them all rooting for me while I take bets with their lives."

I thought for a few minutes before taking our dishes up to the roof for cleaning.

I handed two plates and two cups to the crewman overseeing the aftwernoon's dishes and returned once again to the far edge of the roof. The sun was high in the sky and the air over Longview clear, lending me a wide view of my town. Once more I wondered what the streets would look like if I walked them right then. Looking down, I could see a horde had gathered around the side of the store, where a few unfortunate dogs had made their last stand.

Something in me shifted as I watched the grotesque feast going on below me. Something about what Brett had said to me made me feel weak, as though my desire to be trusted and helpful made me a spineless leader. As I took in the heartless, zombie-eat-dog world laying before me, I wanted to prove that I could make difficult calls and do those uncomfortable things that needed doing. I wanted to prove that I could be rock-hard.

I turned away from the scene and made my way back down the ladder. Across the store, I stopped short at the emergency door Joshua had entered through as a zombie. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open, stepping outside.

Alone.

I swept my blade upward at my first assailant, gutting him as he fell. Before he hit the ground, I grabbed the zombie behind him, pulling on the front of her shirt until she tripped over her comrade. As I curb-stomped the one, I spun around to decapitate another. I push-kicked the headless body, knocking down at least three behind it. A hand grasped at the back of my shirt; I turned, took off both arms and bashed the man's head against the wall until I heard the satisfying "crack" that told me he was done. By this time, the two dogs had been eaten and my potential as dinner made me far more interesting than anything else in the parking lot.

A zombie offered its head to me, snarling and snapping. I took it as payment toward Manuel's legs. I took the next one's legs before laying it flat and piercing his heart. That one was for Joshua. Next came one for the eleven people we'd lost to the battle during Linda's attempted escape. Then I worked my machete across a throat as retribution for burying my sisters. A head flew off as I recalled killing a cashier I had been charged with leading. An attacker fell to the ground because I'd had to read my best friend's last words as a text message. Another for the times I'd loved recklessly and walked away with a heart more broken than I knew was possible. Another for my mother's death when I was sixteen. Another for every pet I'd buried in our back yard to the dirge of my sisters' tears.

With a crowd around me, I went nuts. I pushed and kicked and hacked in every direction. A cry escaped my lungs as tears blurred my vision. I felt furious and grief-stricken and inhuman. For some reason, I thought of Mel Gibson.

Arms wrapped around me, pulling me off my feet. Another set of arms wrapped themselves around my legs. I was suddenly carried away at a speed and with a purpose that seemed atypical to the hungry creatures surrounding me. Using what little of my arm was loose, I tried to cut my way free. One of the zombies yelled my name; and I started screaming.

Suddenly, I was inside the Vallenmarkt building, dumped on the floor. One of my crewmen was grabbing his arm, cursing and bleeding. Manuel, looking like a Brazilian Professor X, told the other men who'd brought me in to tend to their friend. He pointed a crossbow at me.

"I need a word with our leader." he gave me a look that foretold of the reprimand to come.

At his asking, I told him about my conversation with Brett and all that had followed. He still had that look on his face; and he was still pointing a crossbow at me.

"So, let me get this straight: To prove that you're a good leader and that you know how to be strong and independent, you decided to put yourself in pointless danger and risk bringing the infection back inside with you? You know, that really does show everyone -Brett especially- that you don't play games with our safety."

I felt more than a little foolish.

"You forgot to mention injure one of my crewmen." I sighed.

"What's going on with you, Isaac?"

I didn't meet his gaze; and I didn't respond. He leaned forward in his makeshift wheelchair.

"Isaac, do you realise you left a pile of dead people out there? Not zombies, people. You slaughtered a bunch of people we could have helped today -people we could have cured - and you did it because you're sad? You won't rescue people or get supplies because 'that's too risky'; but you'll go kill a crowd of people to prove something to Brett?

"I feel like the Mad Hatter in that Tim Burton movie. You were so much bigger and braver and smarter before. What happened? You've 'lost your muchness'."

I felt like crying just then.

"You need to get it back, Isaac," he continued,"'cause your version of caution is going to get us all killed."

Manuel sentenced me to two days in Joshua's cell, granting Brett an early release.

Day 584.
Liz came and prayed with me the next morning. She told me that Manuel had been working his way through Linda's computer. He'd found an address for the scientist she'd been working with.

"He also found a whole grip of music. He put this together for you; he thinks it could help you get your muchness back."

She handed me a small iPod and some earbuds, presumably taken from the pile of electronics we'd moved to set up out theatre. I turned the player on and found a playlist called "Action Hero". I switched it off, talked with Liz a bit longer and slept.

Manuel woke me later, having been carried up the ladder to my locked perch by one of our larger crewmen. He sat in front of my cell with his misshapen legs turned to the side. I threw my blanket off and sat with my face very nearly up against the bars.

"Did you listen to the playlist?" he asked.

"Not yet." I admitted, "I've been sleeping most of today."

"You should listen to it. It'd do you some good."

It was quiet for a few moments.

"I'm a mess, aren't I?"

Manuel laughed quietly, "Yeah, yeah you are."

"How do I undo that? How do I keep from failing you all again?"


Again, there was a short silence.

"You wanna know what's funny about that?" Manuel mused, "You didn't start failing us until you became convinced you were failing us. Once you started trying to not fail us, you started making a wreck of things."

"How? How does making an effort to keep more people safe cause so many problems?"

"It's not that you were trying to do things better; it's that you thought it was about you at all. Remember grace orientation?"

"Yeah, 'It's not about me.'"

"Exactly. You're carrying too much weight. You think that we succeed or fail because you're awesome or not. There was a time when you were satisfied to do your best and let God handle everything else. That includes all the things that have been breaking your heart."

"I guess you're right."

"Of course I am; and there's something else I'm right about."

"What's that?"

"You need to go on mission. You need to take the cure to Linda's doctor friend.."

I groaned.

"...and get it mass-produced."

"Manuel, listen-"

"No, you listen." Something about how he said that made me stop short, "There is an entire world out there, burning to the ground. We have a way of saving it - the only way of saving it. You mean to tell me that you can't be bothered? You mean to tell me that you're not willing to give up your cozy little cell for that? That is not the Isaac I follow. That is not the character of a leader I'm interested in fighting for. I mean, look at yourself! I believe in you more than anyone else here; and I'm locking you up!"

As he spoke, his frustration dissolved into disappointment; and I couldn't be sure which was worse.

"I don't know what to say, Manuel. I'm sorry?"

"Don't apologise; just remind me of our motto."

"What?"

"Our motto, Isaac. What is it?"

"Um, 'Deadly in battle..."

"...lively in good deeds.'"

The second half we said in unison. I couldn't help but smile.

"Be that man again, Isaac. Listen to the music; it'll do you good."

The crewman appeared without command, carrying my closest friend back to his chair.

After a few minutes, I put the headphones in my ears and let the music do its work. I spent the rest of that day and night listening to the songs on that iPod. Manuel was right, it did me quite a bit of good.

Day 588.
"I'll be taking our best fighters on this mission. It will be the most dangerous trip we've made and will take us further away than anything we've done thus far. Manuel will be left in charge again. Are there any questions?"

Brett's hand was up before I'd finished speaking.

"You already know that I think this is a stupid move that is likely to get you all killed. But you're going to do it anyway. And you already know that I don't want to serve King Isaac's favourite as successor. But you're going to leave him in charge anyway. Well, I'm done being dismissed. I refuse to see the few lord over the many."

"Brett," I smiled as I spoke, "you know that we do most things by vote. You also know that I hold a very loose grasp on my leadership here. If a vote shows that Manuel is not wanted as a leader, we'll find someone else. I appointed him because I trust him."

Brett sneered, "I'd ask for a vote, but you've already won all these people over to your nonsense; I see through it, Isaac. I see straight to your slimy, lying bones. I won't do this anymore."

"Well, Brett, you are welcome to leave at any time." Manuel smiled broadly. A soft laughter rose from the group.

"That's not what I mean, Your Highness." the man nearly spat the words, "I'm going to handle this the way folks did hundreds of years ago, before humanity went soft." He pointed a finger at me and declared, "I'm challenging you to a duel."

The whole group burst into laughter, myself included. Brett stormed up to the box I was standing on and turned to face the crowd.

"I mean it!" he shouted. We quieted down, "A tyrant is only strong until the people he oppresses stand up; and I'm tired of waiting for this nutcase  to do something that really will kill us all!"


"You can't be serious!", one man guffawed again.
  "Oh, come on Brett!" Gladys spoke up, "Isaac's made mistakes, sure. But you've always had a thing against him, since he rescued your sorry butt from that church. Some people would think a bit of gratitude's in order; but not you!"

"Stow it, Gladys." Brett growled, "Just because he saved you doesn't mean he's going to save us all."

"No, that's Jesus' job." I interjected. Sometimes, I'm an incorrigible smart alec.

"Actually, sir," the whole of Brett's college group was standing; but only one of them spoke. The speaker was a young girl, holding tight to Liz's hand, "you'd be doing me - I mean, us -  a favour if you fought with Brett."

That silenced even Brett.

I stepped down from my milk crate and asked, "What makes you say that?"


In the silence that followed, tears escaped the girl's eyes. Liz put an arm across her shoulders and murmured reassuringly. When the girl spoke again, I recognised the uneven tones of heartache and fury.
  "He's made our lives hell since Back When. We've always been afraid to say anything because he threatened to kill us if you or Manuel found out. We think, if you two fought, maybe he'd stop."

I was stunned. Manuel looked unsurpiresd, but no less furious than anyone else in the room. Brett started to storm toward the speaker of his group; but the whole of our community stood up at once.

"All in favour of a duel?" Manuel asked.

No one laughed; the vote was unanimous.

Brett approached me as the group dispersed and spoke with quiet vehemence, "Make no mistakes, King Isaac: one way or another, this is to the death. If I am still alive when you leave -and I will be- your buddy in the chair will be the first to go. His blonde girlfriend will be next. I am done with all of you."

Manuel approached us and issued a one-hour preparation time.

I sat at a table with my machete while Brett made his way to the back room. Manuel pulled up next to me. Our usual quiet camaraderie preceded any speaking. I broke the silence.

"When we go on mission, I think I'll have to leave the machete behind."

Manuel turned in his chair to express his puzzlement.

"Why?"

"Because, if I really believe that the zombies I encounter are people in need of the cure we have, I have no business killing them. I'll probably have to resort to some kind of incapacitation, but not killing. "

Manuel started laughing and clapping his hands.

"What?" I demanded, "I think it's a valid point!"

"Yes, yes I agree!"Manuel crowed, "This is the Isaac I'd follow into battle! This is the fearless, selfless man I believe in! Now," his voice dropped to a whisper, "what are you going to do about Brett?"

"Kill him." I was surprised at how level my voice was, "The kids have asked for their revolution; and he's already told me he'd kill everyone he didn't like as soon as I was gone. I can't take the chance."

Manuel nodded.

"Deadly in battle, right?" he smiled.

After a pause, I said, "Thank you for the playlist. Somehow, it's exactly what I needed - something to remind me of what it means to be truly 'manly'."

Manuel just nodded again.

Our "duel" was arranged more like a boxing match. We stood at opposite sides of an open area next to our cafeteria, with everyone in the store gathered around us. Manuel listed the rules: one-on-one, any weapon, to the death. Many people gave a double-take when he added the last clause; but no one protested aloud.

I had my machete out of its sheath; Brett appeared to be unarmed.

Manuel stepped out of our impromptu ring and shouted, "Begin!"

I read once that, if you must fight, you should strike first and strike hard. I've yet to find a situation to which that did not apply.

I rushed forward, swinging my blade upward as I had so many times before. From behind his back, Brett drew a pistol and leveled it at my rapidly approaching face. It was a large-caliber revolver, nearly a handheld cannon; and Brett looked like he knew how to handle the thing. As I dropped into a somersault, an explosion sounded though the whole building. Standing, I found myself exactly where I had hoped to be. His arm was over my shoulder; and his face only inches from mine.

There was a grunt and a spurt of blood as I broke the man's nose with my forehead. He stepped back once. Before he gained his footing, I brought my blade around and took his head.

"A true man fights not for hatred of what stands before him but for love what what's behind him."
-Evan Beacom

In the silence that followed, I found that tears were again falling from my eyes. Brett's headless body stood for a moment, blood spraying from his truncated neck; and a soft, sad note played like a wind flute as his last breath escaped his open throat. As the dead man finally slumped to the floor, I sobbed.











Turning around, I found Manuel and Liz tending to the poor man who'd taken the bullet I dodged. The man would lose his arm, but live. I found one of the buckets we used to collect rain water and washed the blood from my machete. Brett joined the rest of our fallen in the pit behind the store. 

We have a habit of canonising the dead. Somehow, even the worst men we know are not so bad when they step across the threshold of Eternity. Though the people in our community had long hoped Brett would leave us, they mourned for the manner of his departure. Though everyone would later hear of the horrors he had committed against his  students, those same students wept bitterly  as we set the pit ablaze. 

Manuel later asked me if I repented at all for killing Brett.

I told him no, that I was certain I'd done the right thing.

He said nothing.

On the roof, I prayed about all that had happened, thanking God especially for friends like Manuel, gifts like music and attributes like bravery. I prayed about the next day's mission and all the uncertainties involved in trekking across a zompocalyptic wasteland. I promised to never make fun of Elijah Wood again.

Day 589.
Liz and I dug through a pallet of baseball equipment. She was annoyed that I wouldn't use any of the aluminum bats we were surrounded by or any of the wooden ones we'd already inspected.

"Why does it matter?" she complained.

"Because it does!" I retorted.

So we kept digging.

Another 15 minutes later, I shouted in elation, holding up the prized item. Liz walked over and inspected the words burned into the wood implement.

"Louisville Slugger?" It was clear they held no significance to her.

"It's pronounced 'LOO-ah-vull' or 'LOO-ee-vill', depending on who you ask."

She rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, though. This bat is legendary. If I'm going to non-lethal my way to Linda's doctor, I'm going to use the best equipment."

As I spoke the words "non-lethal", my friend began to look nervous; and I knew she was counting on her archery and knives to clear a path back to Manuel. I assured her that this was a Romans 14 thing, a matter of personal conviction.

"I get that you think of it as self-defense; and I'm not going to pick a fight with you over it. This is my thing."

"Oh, good." she sighed. After a few moments, she asked, "So, do you feel ready for this?"

"For what?"

"For this - our mission, fighting across post-apocalyptic Longview and Kelso to the house of a man who may or may not still be alive and may or may not be able to do anything with the cure we're bringing to him. Are you ready for something like that?"

"Oh that? No, of course not."

"Me neither."

"Good."

To be continued...

 Isaac's "Action Hero" Playlist
Seven Nation Army (Remix) - Glitch Mob/White Stripes
The Distance - Cake
Welcome Home (Clean Edit) - Coheed and Cambria
Flower - Moby
E-Pro - BeckSail - AWOLNation
We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
The Word is Strong - Nate Grossman
Handlebars - Flobots
Boom - POD
John Woo - Newsboys
Code Name Vivaldi - The Piano Guys
Ain't No Rest For The Wicked - Cage the Elephant
Beautiful Things - Gungor
Du Hast - Rammstein
Alive - POD 
Moonlight - The Piano Guys

-isaac